Feeling and Doing

Tending to him makes me want to tend to them all.

I felt it with the other two....but it wasn't so adamant feeling.

Watching his face scrunch and his eyebrows furrow and his fist clinch and his eyelids fall - it makes me think of the ones with no one watching. Hearing his cry makes me think of the ones with no one listening. The ones that whimper and writhe and wail - with no ears peeled to hear it. The one's neglected. The one's abandoned. The ones left for dead, even.

And it tears at me and brings tears and it causes me to look up - and I don't know whether I should raise a fist up to the sky in anger and bewilderment at what's allowed, or whether I should cry out from the depths of me and ask for it to cease and ask to be a part of the solution.

I'm thinking it's the latter. (But I do both.)

And I'm thinking He is the one that placed it there....the prompting...the sorrow...the desire for justice...yes...even the anger from it all. Because I'm learning that He does prompt us to live and work and act in a way that pours Him out all over. But we, still, choose to be tipped for the pouring or not.

And so what do I do with all this? What does a woman who doesn't consider herself a kid-person....what does a woman who has fears that stifle her... what does a woman with low academic prowess and limited potential...a history of doubt...and a score of failures do with all this prompting?

After raising her fist and after crying out sorrow - she realizes that she must not simply feel....she must do.

And to know what...she must pray. And she must surrender. And she must hush herself to listen. Because when we pray...when we surrender...when we are hushed - more promptings will come. And more and more - and as they do and as we do.....love rushes out. And minds are changed. And orphanages are constructed. And babies are saved. And infants are fed. And kids are rescued. And Mamas are equipped. And in carrying out all that love, Love is revealed and shared and mimicked. And in the midst of vast despair - a bit of beauty brights it's way right through.
Oh Lord.... I know what I feel - but what will you have me do? What will you have me do for the ones lost? For the littlest and least? Because I don't think I can bare this feeling - without diving into some doing.

Learn to do good;

Seek justice,

Rebuke the oppressor;

Defend the fatherless,

Plead for the widow.

- Isaiah 1:17

Learn. Seek. Rebuke. Defend. Plead.....Those aren't feelings, friends - they're actions.

Bypass my fears, Father and rid me of the lazy complacency and ignorance and selfishness- and get me geared up for whatever or whomever or whenever...You call. And in the meantime - as I tend to my trio - don't let the feeling wane. Because I know there is some doing to be done.

Lots of it, actually.

Pertinent Links:

Compassion International

Lost Orphans International

Operation World

Samaritan's Purse

World Vision

Fresh Lessons

My belly is empty....but my arms are full :)

The second boy....the third baby.... he has arrived.

And so has his mother. Each birth - is not only an arrival of a new life....but an arrival of a new woman.

With each fresh blond head (yes, another blond!) one more layer of selfishness begins to peal away. One more shelf of self-denial is wrought. One more faith layer is laid upon the others. One more hope, dream, prayer - fulfilled.

This gift....this boy...that robs me deeper of selfishness and egocentrism and doubt and negativity - he's a lesson for me. As I study his serious face, his lanky toes, his softness - I know that his fashioning was not by mistake. And while it's only a part of his purpose, I'm certain - This little new one comes to me to teach me a thing or two. And it pleases Him to do it this way.

The first blonds - they made me realize it all. Five and half years of lessons thus far in patience. In humility. In pride. In love. In life. And the lessons continue.

And the lessons can be rough. And the tests that come from my two....now, my three.... oh, they can be difficult. And I fail many of them. And I barely pass a few - (only on the re-takes) - but through them all....I learn.

So this new adventure that emerged and filled his lungs with air for the first time three days ago - He's sleeping in his crib now. And as I look in on his fresh face - and as I quiet the boistrous voices of his siblings - I'm tired and beat up and anxious and sleepy and overwhelmed and wrung out - of course. But I'm thankful. I have joy. I'm filled with expectation. And happy hope. And shear gratefulness for the sweet love...for the honest laughter....and even for the teaching that will take place - ....through my trio.

Let the fresh lessons begin....

The Blessings of Now

When my belly is all round and full and inhabited.... my mind isn't.

So sorry for the silence.

I've longed to sit still here and let my mind park for a while on blog writing - but there's a babe filling out my belly who seems to be taking in all of me. Including my ability to form rational, coherent thoughts :)

This boy - he should be here within a month. And his Mama is ready. His room isn't. Our house isn't. His closet isn't. The family vehicle isn't. His crib isn't. But my dazed mind and heavy body - they are ready, yes :)

However....

The blonds and their Daddy and I went to a small, intimate little Christmas concert a few nights ago. And with the house lights down low and the band ringing out Jesus - my two little fair-haired babes lounged on my lap. With one on each leg - they reclined over my blossoming mid-section...their wombed baby brother kicking their backs the whole time.

And it hit me...."I'm holding all three of them."

And hit again as this thought dawned - "only a few more weeks - with my few."

"I'll have...three?"

And the sentiment of it all....the realization....left me teary. In all of my hurrying along....in all of my wishing this boy were already here....wishing that the birth pains were over....wishing that I was back in my good jeans - I've neglected the gift of sharing this time with my two.

As of today....I have a leg for each bottom. A shoulder for each head. A hand for each hand. An eye for each child's action. An ear for each child's song. I have that right now. And I'm rushing it, wishing it - away?

Foolishness? No....immature, selfish...foolishness.

How dare I? How dare I wish away the moments with my first two loves.

And while I wallow in the fact that I've already wasted precious, precious moments - I'm grateful that I've realized it before it's too, too late.

So in these weeks leading up to labor - Lord, help me to shift my focus. Help me to love on the loves I can wrap around and hold. Just the two of them. And all the while - prepare me...prepare us - for the addition. And as we welcome him into our home...into our hearts....let us have sweet remembrances of the few weeks leading up to no longer just being a few.

And Father....as we become a family of five....pour out Your grace on this household. The five year old...the two year old...the little one...their Daddy...and this Mama - can't love without Love. And we can't give of self without the Giver. And we can't share and model and embrace and exhault and pass down joy - real joy....without realizing Jesus.

It's perfect timing, really....

Oh God, as we count down to the birth of Christ....(and the birth of this babe burying his foot in my ribcage) - empower me to love and enjoy and embrace and realize....the gift that is coming - yes, but also the gifts that are already here:



An Event

Quiet again in these parts.



Yes, yes. We have another women's event tonight. And as always - prayers are much needed and much appreciated. May the Spirit move among us tonight and may the women in attendance gleefully receive Him!

My friend, Phyllis, is doing the teaching this time. Pray for her?

I hope you have a lovely weekend, friends. Blessings to you all :)

Permission to Enjoy

It's okay to enter into the glee of things.

Really. It's alright.

It's all right. Because when we enter into the glee of things - we enter into gratefulness.

He's been whispering it lately...... "Enjoy Me."

He knows that I don't. And He knows why.

It's the being aware of the sick and the starving and the stricken. It's the waking up to a world with woes. To a world with despair and dilapidation. It's knowing that pictures on calenders are only a portion of the earth's portraits. The others? We couldn't stand to stare at the site of them. While they may not don our walls -  they do dot the earth....snapshots of need and pain and torment....they are real.

Hence - the hesitancy to know joy.

He's been busting this up for me, though....

My blonds. They're giddy with delight as their young hands clinch mixing spoons - all ready to stir icing. And they laugh and they squeal and they dive into those bowls of goodness and they enjoy every lick. And I enjoy the smiles and the sticky fingers and the young joy on display in my kitchen. And the joy - yes - it leads to gratefulness.

And just as I attempt to stop myself - just as I begin putting up the walls to joy because I know others on earth will never have icing cross their lips - and I know other women will never have children graze in their kitchens (though they so long for it) - and I know that despair would love to have some part in my own future (oh, the what ifs).....just as I start to extinguish the fire of joy  - the one I wed walks in.

And he sees the freshly licked spoons and the freshly used beater and he knows this icing must have been made to go atop something. A cake, perhaps? And he smiles wide - with his face pale from fasting through the day - and across the kitchen, over the heads of those we made....he shines out joy and says, "What's all this?" And as he sits with fork in hand next to our giddy ones - they savor and enjoy and relish in a simple dessert with icing. And they are grateful for the nutmeg. And the cinnamon. And the utensil. And the plate. And their teeth. And the taste. And they enjoy...and they give thanks. And so do I.

Enjoy the blessings. Look for the blessings. Take note of them. Let them bring laughter. Let them bring joy right in. The simple ones...like blonds having the chance to eat icing. And serious ones....sacred ones....like the joy of knowing Christ. Really knowing Him....it should bring joy! It should bring celebration! Yes!

"Is there a greater way to love the Giver than to delight wildly in His gifts?"

- Ann Voskamp in One Thousand Gifts

And I'm so bad at this. And I still don't know what it should look like exactly. And I still find myself feeling guilty for having...just having. But I do know He has been whispering it....and I do know He wants me to be grateful, exuberant....inextinguishable - over what He's done for me. Not just materially, but spiritually.

And so yes....I will enter into glee. And He will enter into me and into the moments. And gratefulness will abound.

What do you think this looks like lived out? Do share. May you have a lovely, joy-filled day.

Forgiveness Talk (Part 2 of 2)

May the Lord raise us up into women (and men!) who are known for extending grace to the world. Enjoy part 2 of my notes....and again....forgive the random messyness.

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Point 1: Know that forgiveness is for YOU. On many levels.

   *Level 1: The obvious....He forgives you. Of it all. Yes...of it ALL. Get that.

   *Level 2: It's for your well-being. (Emotionally, Physically, Spiritually, Mentally)

          - As I considered this point, I got another picture in my mind. (Sounds weird, doesn't it?) It was of me....holding a tiny little animal. It was a gross and vile looking little thing. Yet, I was petting it, loving it, protecting it. And I understood that this nasty animals name was 'Unforgiveness'. The problem is....this animal bites. And it bites you, not your offender.

          - Sometimes we believe that holding onto unforgiveness works more to our advantage than being healed of it. But unforgiveness will NOT allow us to have the life we want.

   *It will however, allow us to live a life of torment. Again, on many levels.

          *Emotionally: Unforgiveness can cause bitterness, depression, anger, fear, resentment, etc

          *Physically: Unforgiveness can cause high blood pressure, disease, heart problems, etc

(These ailments can derive from other sources as well - but we all too often overlook the effects of our inner turmoils on the human body.)

   *Jimmy Evans quote: "The poison of unforgiveness damages the vessel it is stored in worse than anything you can spit it on. It's killing you. The most self-loving thing you can do is forgive."

Point 2: Know that forgiveness is for THEM. (Your offender.)

   *Spurgeon quote: "He who grows in grace remembers that he is but dust...he overlooks 10,000 of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks 20,000 in his own case."

(Warning: We forgive people unfixed...before they act like they deserve to be forgiven. However, forgiving doesn't mean we go back and expose ourselves to abuse. Sometimes, we have to forgive from afar. In edition, if you are married and experiencing any type of abuse or danger....get to safety and seek wise, godly counsel.)

   *Sometimes, us forgiving them - will eventually bring them to salvation. Seeing a heart change in us - can, at times, make them seek the Heart Changer, themselves.

   *Matthew 6:9-15 (The Lord's prayer.) Notice verse 12: 'Forgive us our debts...as we have also forgiven our debtors.' And then notice verses 14 and 15: Look what Jesus decided to expound upon. He could have explained any part of the Lord's prayer - but He chose to dive deeper into our topic. Forgiveness is for them...because it circles back to you. Your forgiveness, depends on your forgiveness.
   * We can't withhold grace from others and get it from God. Life without grace from God is torment. (See emotional and physical ailments mentioned in Point 1.)

Point 3: Know that forgiveness is FROM HIM.
   * We have a tendency to think, "if only my offender would show true repentence....then I could fully forgive." Or sometimes we think, "If only I could give them a piece of my mind...then I could fully forgive." Both...are lies. The sting of what our offenders have done to us - will usually overpower their remorse (or your revenge) for it. Our offender, no matter what, can't make us forgive from the heart. The only way to reap a harvest of forgiveness is by His power alone.
   *Revisit Chapter 10 of Hosea. The whole chapter is about the Lord's people having false hearts...having thorns and thistles in their fallow ground. Verse 12... is God's perscription for His people. It's His council for those with hard hearts.
   * He is capable. He is capable of healing our hearts, of helping us extend forgiveness to those who don't deserve it, of breaking up our hard ground and reaping a harvest of forgiveness in us. US....broken, wounded, afflicted, tainted women like you and me.

I closed with some stories. And then we offered prayer during worship.

I truly enjoyed delving into this topic with the ladies of my church. It's an honor to serve them through our women's ministry. May He spur us onward in faith and in forgiveness. Blessings and love to you all :)



Forgiveness Talk (Part 1 of 2)

Sometimes we strangle our own selves.


A tree was dying in my parent's yard, and upon investigation....it's very own root was wrapped around itself. All twisted and tight and blocking goodness. As the tentacle was loosened - the tree thrived and produced and lives, still.


And I think about this tree - how it's own apendage of sorts reaked havoc on it's life. How on the surface - the viscious entanglement went unseen. But under the dirt, deep down, compressed and silent - the tree's very own ways caused it to just about cease.


In that tree - I see this woman.

Hello, friends :) I told you I would scribble out a blog post containing some of my notes from Friday's forgiveness event - and I'm here to deliver. I'll post half of my notes today and half on my next post -for lengths sake :) And perhaps some anticipation? :) The story above was my intro. May the Lord stir all of us into a deeper, more real, more meaningful, more steadfast walk with Him.

(Forgive the random messyness of these notes, please? It was meant to be spoken, not typed :) Grace!)

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*I too have a root that threatens to strangle me....it's called unforgiveness.

*None of us would have to go far for material on this topic. We all know pain. We all have wounds. And we all need healing.

*Unforgiveness has a harvest. It's a diseased and a corrupted one...but it has a harvest. The good news? Forgiveness has a harvest, too - a good, fruitful one.

*Hosea 10:12 - Sow for yourselves rightousness. Reep steadfast love. Break up your fallow ground. For it is time to seek the Lord - that He may come and rain rightousness upon you.
       - 'Break up your fallow ground' - that's what we began doing Friday night
       - 'Fallow' in the Hebrew is 'niyr' - it means hard, untilled ground, yes - but it is tillable!
       - Notice how the Lord provides. He tells us in the first lines 'sow rightousness, reap love' and then He says, 'seek Me....and I will provide the ability to do that for you, child.'
       - His power alone is the only way we forgive....from the heart. The Forgiver Himself, alone.

*I began prepping this talk by asking, "God, what do you want to teach me about forgiveness?" And I instantly got a very clear picture in my mind:
       - It was the front of my body....with my torso opened up to expose my heart and belly. And I understood that the heart and belly I saw were healthy. And the Lord whispered, "Katie, I want you to know forgiveness HERE. In your depths. In those places only I can see and only you can feel, child. Through and through. And by the way, the only way you can have this is by ME."
       - Forgiveness is a heart issue.

*Luke 6:37-38: Judge not and you will not be judged; condemn not and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven; give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.
       - Notice the word 'lap'. That's the ESV version. The NKJV uses the word, 'bosom'. Both words are translated from the Greek word, 'kolpos'. (Now keep in mind the vision the Lord gave me before I ever cracked open the scriptures on this topic.) The word 'kolpos' means: the front of the body between the arms. Is the Lord not confirming that He yearns for us to know forgiveness in.our.hearts? In our inner most places? Indeed, He is.

*Luke 6:45: The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
     - Notice the 'of the heart' in this verse....the Lord speaking it yet again.
     - Before we can mean forgiveness in our faces, before we can speak it with our mouths, we have to mean it in our hearts.
     - God's calling everyone to forgiveness - from the heart. He's made it clear.

*At this point you may be thinking, "Okay, I get it. The Lord wants us to know forgiveness in the deep...in the heart. But what does this look like? How do we go about doing this?"

Good question.

Won't you check back real soon for part two? To find out what God has revealed about this whole forgivness challenge? Oh, please do. Because He has done some revealing, friends! Until then, seek His face and you'll find it.

Love to you all :)