These Kind of Tears

I've never known this kind of sorrow. I still don't.

I've never experienced this kind of empathy. This kind of pain. This kind of sad. This kind of devastation. All for another.

I can't stop the tears from flowing. My chest hurts. My stomach churns.

It feels like the world should stop. For her. For them. It feels like the entire universe should come to a screeching hault. It feels like the sun shouldn't shine, anymore.

Really, there are no words for this kind of loss. There are no ways to describe the immense sorrow that screams out from the heart of a mother and father who have lost their little 5 month old love-bug.

So I'm gonna stop trying. And I'm just gonna keep feeling.

Peace, Lord. Somehow.....give them crazy comfort and peace.

Wise Words From a Three Year Old

My son is changing my life.

I just wanted to let you in on a sweet little conversation he and I had earlier this morning....

I was in the kitchen making chicken noodle soup and honey oatmeal bread (Don't get excited. I'm not always so homemaker-ish) - when I looked outside and noticed how hard it was snowing. I turned to my three year old and said, "Wow buddy...look at all that snow!" He stood up and ran to the window for a better view. After talking about how much snow we were getting...he said, "Mommy, how will we ever walk through all that snow?" I said, "I don't know bud....that would be hard, wouldn't it?!" And do you know what my three year old little man said after that??? 

"One step at a time, Mommy. We will walk through it one step at a time."

Ahem.


Did my three year old really just say that? I decided to concentrate on how difficult it would be to walk through a foot of snow - while my baby boy decided to be all prolific and talk about taking it one step at a time.

Goodness. Nothing like a good kick in the rear from a person who hasn't even been to pre-school yet.


As much as I hate to admit it....this is pretty typical of us. I tend to make things harder than they really are. I blow things out of proportion. I let mole hills turn into mountains. And then I sit at the foot of the mountain - whining about how large and steep it is - complaining and throwing hissy fits. But my son? Not him. Even at the ripe old age of three - he works through things. Sure - the mountains of a three year old look much different than the mountains of a mom.....but really we should handle them all the same. His mountains might be made of Legos and wooden blocks - and mine might be made of worries and fears and budgets and stuff - but one step at a time up ANY mountain sounds pretty good to me.

My son's little comment couldn't have come at a more fitting time. I've been facing a few snowy mountains lately. Nothing compared to what others are climbing right now (not even close, actually) - but treacherous terrain for me nonetheless. And while it may seem cheesy and a tad bit cliche - this little "one step at a time" reminder - just really makes a difference.

Fellowship

I found the following story in my husband's college football manual. Awesome.

The Silent Sermon

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, suddenly stopped coming to church. After a few weeks, the Pastor decided to visit. The Pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for the Pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited. The Pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. 

After some minutes, the Pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth, all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and lifeless. The Pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals all around it. As the Pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday."

I'm beginning to realize that the human heart was made for fellowship. Even those of us who like to consider ourselves loners were made for coming together. Life is hard. It is even harder when you try to do it alone. Every time I put my Mom on an airplane to go back home after a visit - I feel it. Every time I hug the neck of a friend I don't get to see often - I feel it. Every time I hang up the phone after a good conversation with a far-off family member - I feel it then, too. I feel the need for fellowship. The need for some connectedness. Of course - times alone in quiet seclusion with Him are an important part of our walk. Of course, it is our responsibility to live a life of worship and service. We should never look to anyone else to fulfill us in certain areas. But we do need each other. My husband and I go to our first small group meeting tonight with our new church ....and I just thought this little sermon was fitting for today. I hope it speaks to your heart like it did mine. 

Have a wonderful week :)

Wise Words

I just want to start the week off right.

Maybe this will help....

Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. - Psalm 51:10

"God loves each of us as if there were only one of us." - Augustine

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considered important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God. - 1 Corinthians 1:27-29

"Characteristics which define beauty are wholeness, harmony, and radiance." - Thomas Aquinas

"The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It's your mind you have to convince." - Vince Lombardi 

Have a blessed week, friends :)

Another One

So Saturday night, I was sitting up in bed reading - when out of nowhere I felt like I should read my Bible. The problem was that my Bible wasn't in our room - it was all the way on the other side of the house. Being tired and worn out from my day - I really didn't want to go fetch it. (Even though it only would have taken me about 3 seconds.) Then all of  the sudden, I got this weird feeling I should look on top of my dresser - that's right next to my bed. Weird. So I did...and I found my chronological Bible laying there. I grabbed it, opened it up, and this is what I was unmistakeably drawn to:

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high,and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. (Ephesians 3: 16-19)

After reading it, I felt so....prayed for. So tended to. So lovingly recognized, somehow. Those words....delivered right to my heart's doorstep Saturday night.....spoke directly to my doubts, my fears, and my questions. Unbelievable. I had experienced yet another 'inkling' that ended up leading me to something very rich and very good.

Just wanted y'all to know :)

Be encouraged - and have a great week!

My Inklings

Ya know those inklings I prayed for in my last post? I'm getting them. It's wild. And it's good. Very, very good..........

*Yesterday as we were leaving church, my husband said that he had this "strange feeling" we should take a sweet couple we know out to lunch. Since we are trying to be more sensitive and responsive to the Spirit in 2010 - we jumped on it. Sitting there chatting with them - I happened to notice the beautiful red fingernail polish that was so wonderfully swept across the lady's fingernails. I commented on how lovely her nails looked and almost fell out of the booth when she said, "Oh thank you. My husband paints them for me." I could cry writing about it. You see, this lady is legally blind. She can see certain things - but there is a lot that she can't make out.  The hand-in-hand love they share spoke volumes to me.  I don't know if it's always been that way for them. I don't know if they have moments where they struggle with it. But I know that when a man paints his wife's fingernails - It's love. It. is. love.

*This morning, I opened up my Bible - with high hopes of finding some nugget of inspirational truth - and a nugget of inspirational truth is exactly what I found. My eyes were lead directly to this:

Teach me to do your will for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. (Psalm 143:10)

I didn't seek out this verse. I didn't go searching for a verse like this one. It found me. And I will have you know, being the skeptic that I am, I have been known to roll my eyes when people say that God lead them to a certain verse and what not - but y'all - God lead me to that verse. And I felt like He was saying, "Make it yours this year, Kate." With some of the things I happen to be dealing with in life right now - being lead forward on firm footing - sounds perfect.

*As I've mentioned  numerous times here on my blog - I doubt. You might as well call me Thomas. It drives me crazy. It drives the people around me crazy. My questions are endless. I have new curiosities about the Christian faith with each new sunrise.  I have things written in the margins of my Bible that my grandmother slapped my hand for. Things like, "Are you kidding me?"...."How could God let this happen?".....and....."What????". To make myself feel better, I also want you to know that I have things written in the margins of my Bible like, "Lord, help me to remember this."....and.... "The Bible is perfectly enough." So don't think I go around writing bad things in my Bible everyday. And don't feel too bad for me either -because all of my doubting is kind of a blessing and a curse all wrapped up in one big crazy issue. It makes me study. It makes me go to The Word and find out for myself what it says. It makes me do research. It makes me pray the most heartfelt, needy prayers you've ever heard. It makes me humble. And it makes me connect deeply with quotes like this one that my husband ran across today:

"I prayed for faith, and thought that someday faith would come down and strike me like lightening. But faith did not seem to come. One day, I read in the tenth chapter of Romans, 'Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.' I had closed my Bible and prayed for faith. I now opened my Bible and began to study, and faith has been growing ever since." - D.L. Moody

 Mister Moody, I kinda know how you feel.

This week, I'm gonna take off my black fingernail polish (Yes, black. My husband thinks it's weird, too.) and put on some red polish - just to remember what love looks like. I'm gonna memorize Psalm 143:10 - and believe that God is leading me forward. I'm gonna open up my Bible and pray that it opens up my heart. All because of those inklings.

Awesome.

2010

I want to do things differently in 2010.

I want to laugh more.

I want to eat less beef.

I want to take a few more naps.

I want to let go of some fear.

I want to replace some of that fear with faith.

I want to memorize scripture.

I want to discipline my children out of love...not anger.

I want to read things by Emerson and Erma Bombeck.

I want to pray more.

I want to blog more often.

I want to go on a lot more dates with my husband.

I want to worry less.

I want to trust a little more.

I want to learn how to write well.

I want to see my Texans more often.

I want my Christmas decorations to be taken down before Valentine's Day.

I want to help people.

I want to take more pictures.

I want to take some cooking classes.

I want to read to my kids more often.

I want to be a part of some Bible studies.

I want to chill out and calm down.

I want to have people over for dinner.

I want to stick to a workout plan.

I want to run a 5k.

I want to keep things organized.

I want to stop being so critical.

I want my Mom's 50th bday to be special.

I want to grow watermelons in my backyard.

I want to sew.

I want to cut more coupons.

I want to be a good aunt to my nephew arriving in May.

I want to hang out with my girlfriends more often.

I want to eat less sugar.

I want to serve.

I want to be a little more optimistic.

I want to be spontaneous.

I want to hike.

I want to be patient.

I want to doubt less.

I want to be a doer. Not just a dreamer.

I want to get involved.

I want to follow through with things.

I want to be less intimidated.

I want to lift weights more often.

I want to stop being so indecisive.

I want to take better care of my vehicle.

I want to travel.

I want to learn.

Y'all, I just want to do life better. I was thinking and praying this morning about what I should change in 2010. What I should focus on. What I should let go of. What I should pursue. And there are SO many things. Soooooo many. I could have made a million new years resolutions today - there's a lot I need to work on. But making lots of resolutions and stuff would have been super daunting (and not to mention, unrealistic). So instead, I prayed a simple prayer:

Lord, give me inklings. Give me discernment and wisdom about what YOU want for me to work on in 2010.
 
A part of me feels calm and comforted by praying that prayer. But to be honest, a part of me gets scared. A part of me has a very hard time giving up control and trusting that He knows what's best. Maybe it's because I tend to be a doubter. Maybe it's because I like to be the boss. I don't know. But today....January 1st....I prayed a weak and meek little prayer to a big and capable God. And that's a start, friends. Don't ya think?

Happy New Year's, Sweet Ones :) Blessings to you in 2010!